Analyze This: Why was I watching this movie?

Fun is a relative term... some people have fun playing frisbee in the park... others like dressing up babies. There are very light, and very dark apsects of the adjective. The idea, though, that this movie is a lot of fun for a lot of audiences is like Judge Alito: I know it exists, but I forget, and when I am reminded, I get real sad...

I don't know what I was expecting... something with wit and charm. Two classy actors in well written verbal duals, tightly packed in a psychologist's office set. Maybe I wanted Sydney Lumet... maybe I just wanted something higher brow. What I got was about as high brow as a penis. An eyebrow above a penis. A penis brow. (Sorry.) Very, very little of the movie takes place in therapy sessions, and there's no verbal sparring. It's all DeNiro saying "do this or I'll kill you" and Billy Crystal saying "I am scared of you and will comply thusly". Or whatever it is excitable Jews actually say. In fact, they should have had Paul Reiser do the part. It's a 90-minute sitcom anyway--Lisa Kudrow's in it for God's sake.

And that's my problem. 90-minute sitcoms are NOT FILMS! They do not make good films! They are not theatre fodder! It's the same reaosn I'm not rushing out to rent The Whole Nine Yards. In fact, why didn't the people around me warn me this movie was junk? After all: Friends don't let friends see movies with Friends stars in them. That's fucking elementary.

Alright, alright, I'll stop bashing the harmless little movie. It is what it is, right? It's the masses of Americans who get off on 2-dimensional storytelling I should be angry at. Or, at the society that encourages and provides these cheap-laugh whores. Raise your hand if you saw "Are We There Yet". Now use the hand that isn't raised to close your internet browser and stop reading about movies. Not that I'm an elitist (if you actually ARE reading this, I'd rather you stay, really), but I doubt if you'd appreciate P.T. Anderson, Wes Anderosn, or the Coen brothers. Directors whose movies get me off. It's a different layer of movies. If you're down for simply entertainment, then there are a LOT of movies out there for you, and they will keep being made and all is well. And if you only want film to be art, well, I can stand a few of those here and there, but oh my god stop wanking on the lense and MAKE A MOVIE!!! But if you, like me, want a film to be a meeting point between art and entertainment, then there's a lot of amazing stuff going on out there, and it's amazing because it so easily uses both those layers.

And DeNiro and Crystal are known, in my mind, for being in that category, so when they show up and do a retard's version of The Sopranos, it makes me think they're making fun of poeple who haven't seen Deconstructing Harry, Monster's Inc, or (yes, even) Throw Mama From the Train. Or many of the amazing films DeNiro is famous for. As I think back on some of those, though, I also recall Rocky and Bullwinkle... and i remmeber that ctors are out to have a good time, too, and as long as we know not to look for quality in a movie, we can lean back and enjoy My Giant, The Paulbearer, and French Kiss...ing a Fool...s Rush In. I mean, I love Van Wilder! Oh, wait, that movie was hilarious, and Analyze This Piece of Shit is NOT. No risks were taken, no new humor was forwarded to the medium, and I can't quote it at a party.

I guess I better just blame myself for wasting an afternoon with this nonsense.