The world's obsession with Halo

Halo 2 has been out for a few weeks now, and I've watched from afar as my friends are reduced to whining bitches and stupid jerks. The cadillac of an X-Box controller in their hands, they grimace and pout at the TV. These are true men. They piss and moan whenever they are spawned too far from the hill and must walk to it, or they are sure to have pulled the trigger, yet they didn't get a shot off, and now have to wait ten seconds. Or as soon as they spawned they were killed or heavily damaged.

The game clearly cheated.

It's no fair--their skill (or lack thereof) certianly didn't result in their misfortune, it's always some other UNEXPECTED element that's to blame. Their tone suggests the game is no fun at all, yet they continue clutching the Microsoft-nicknamed "Duke" sweatily in their fat hands, and smirk inwardly that at least they are the only ones in the room smart enough to keep their look sensativity at the correct 6 (or 9, or 3, whatever they happen to prefer). "The game may be screwing me over", they think, or perhaps mumble, just barely audibly, "but at least I use Legacy!"

This is all from the eyes of an outsider. When my nerdy friends and roommates aren't over at my house, smelling up the already smelly TV room, I would rather switch over to the PS2 and play GTA. Hittin' switches in my black six fo' seems more dynamic and rewarding than trying my gad damnedest to kill my friends with god knows what new and expanded weapons Bungie felt the need to shove into the sequal to an original idea. That is to say, Halo was a fine game. One might even go so far as to say "fuckin' awesome". But Halo 2 is, well, old before it came out. And rather more like Unreal Tournament than something GREAT by Bungie. Granted, they were bought out by a company thats known for ruining good souls, but I suppose I had hoped Bungie might shine through the stuffy corporate mire, the way the Northwest's depressing overcast sky occaisionally cracks and reveals a brilliant sun. I guess I wanted Halo 2 to to reinvent the Halo the way Marathon 2 ran that 52.4 miles with ease. But not all roads lead to Sol, it seems. No, it's just an un-dexterously put-together forum for angry little-boy-competition. It brings out the worst in a male's desire to dominate, and was what made me grow tired of the first Halo.

Yes, there was a time that I ruled you all at Halo. I kept my Greenthumb look sensitivity at a 6 and meleed the hell out of everyone, while craftily sneaking the flag home. Several summers ago, I even had a chapter on Bungie.net, and posted news stories of the great oddball games the gang had cooked up. The tank was for loosers, and dammit I wasn't going to let that Swifty McVay survive if he climbed in one. Oh yes, I used to give a rat's ass about multiplayer. About teams, and winning. Strategy and forsight. And when I was killed, in those golden days of the ONE perfect first person shooter, I didn't blame anyone but myself.

But we have all grown dumber than those young, uncertain days. We re-elected a Strong Mad, and eagerly snapped up a game we had all been turned into bitches to wait for. Like the runner thats lost his stop-watch, there was an unaware time of true inspiration, and we all truly tried our hardest. Do you remember the wonder of exploring that second level? The Banshees would circle like vultures over the next desination, and the quick-witted Marines would all thank god a Mark V had finally arrived. Yes, Halo was a brilliant game. Sure, I was stoned like the bejezus when I played through it, but it was the only game (until San Andreas) that truly deserved the honor of overtaking the film industry. Cinematics. A fine touch. Poetry through video games. Art. This knock-off that's got everyone obsessed (the way the uhappily dating get closer and closer and angrier and angrier, in an effort to force out the answer to that terrifying question: what went wrong? And how long haven't I noticed?) just added more guns, more vehicles, more complications, and a crappy interface that reeks of the PC. Halo had the exact right number of elements to keep a good balance. The same way there was little to no magic in the first Myth (and what did they do in Myth II? They added a warlock with a recharging mana bar... was this guy kidnapped straight out of Warcraft?). And when you just cram in more and more elements, the balance falls apart, and now you're playing Unreal Tournament. Oh, and Cortana has a new haircut. Bungie once had class.

The competition, the patting one's own back, the mindlessness, has got to stop. That is the cause, and Halo 2, George Bush Jr., and the cancellation of Futurama and Home Movies, are all the symptoms.